Monday, July 21, 2008

Liġijiet tal-Fiżika alternattivi

Kull min jikkrea l-kartuns għandu l-libertinaġġ sħiħ kif idawwar u jħawwad il-liġijiet tal-fiżika biex idaħħak u jżomm kemm jista' jkun l-attention span tant qasira tat-tfal. Fid-dinja tal-kartunx kollox huwa possibli u ħadd m'hu se jgħajjat "ŻINN!!" jekk jara xi ħaġa imġebbda jew eżaġerata. Anzi, kważi kważi tkun qed tistenna li tara affarijiet li ma jixhdu xejn mir-realtà li titkeffen magħna ta' kuljum.



Xi ħadd ġabar dawn 'il-liġijiet ġodda' f'daqqa. Niżżilhom waħda waħda kif inhuma hawn taħt bħala referenza unika li żgur mhux forsi se tqanqal ċerta nostalġija lil dawk li bħali, għaddew ħafna mill-infanzja tagħħhom imwaħħlin quddiem l-ewwel televiżjonijiet bil-kulur.



Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.



Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re inflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite re-vengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.



Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

What if it were you?



Ħaddmu r-ras il-kbira flok iż-żgħira.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

BlobbIllum

Malli nqarrbu il-35 grad...

...l-arja tibda titwaħħad miegħek bħal qarnita u bilkemm tħallik tieħu nifs. Hekk hu s-sajf mediterranju; (m'aħniex iċ-ċentru tad-dinja, hawn diversi pajjiżi oħra jgħaddu minn dan is-suffraġju) tidlik, riħ isfel, nemus u qali ta' bajd (jew ta' ġenituri) fil-karozzi u fuq il-bonnets. F'pajjiż fejn l-air conditioner sar bżonn u mhux lussu, jekk tixref rasek barra bejn l-10 ta' filgħodu u l-4 ta' wara nofsinhar tkun qed tirriskja ħajtek għax tlaqqgħat xi kanċer tal-ġilda f'radda ta' salib. Ħalliha li t-turisti l-hena tagħhom jinkaljaw f'dik ix-xemx li lanqas il-gremxul u l-bugħarwien ma jifilħu għaliha. Imma dawk fiex jifhmu? Dawk jagħmlu ġimgħa u jparpru jistkennu fl-arja gradevoli tat-tramuntani tal-ewropa fejn l-ebda pjanta ma tinħaraq jew tixxawwat bir-raġġi tax-xemx. Soluzzjonijiet? Jeżistu, imma għal ħin limitat. Għall-ġisem tista' tpoġġi xugaman imxarrab b'ilma kiesaħ (jekk jirnexxielek issib) u tmiddu fuq saqajk. Jaħdem u għal ftit ħin saħansitra jikkonvinċik li qed tħoss il-bard. Għall-psike, tista' tintefa' tara film jew dokumentarju fuq jew ambjentat fis-silġ. Hemm diversi mnejn wieħed jista' jagħżel (Alive, March of the Penguins, Alaska u Ice Age) li bla ma jridu jagħtuk l-impressjoni li t-temperaturi ta' barra mhumiex għoljin daqskemm fil-fatt huma.

Mess lil Eileen Montesin, lil Rachel Vella...

...u issa kien imiss ukoll lil Prim Ministru. Xi ħadd b'ħafna ħin x'jaħli rnexxielu jiħħekkja l-wikipedia u mmodifika estensivament il-paġna ddedikata għall-ħajja personali u politika ta' Lawrence Gonzi. Iċ-ċajt is-salmura tal-ħajja, imma imbagħad iż-żejjed kollu żejjed.

Ma nafx għaliex...

...ħafna mill-aħbarijiet qegħdin jippruvaw inaqqsu mil-mertu tal-low cost carriers li għenu sabiex ikollna aktar ċaqliq ta' nies minn pajjiżna. Huwa sigriet magħruf li l-Maltin kollha ħadu nifs twil ta' solljev meta skoprew li tista' ssiefer sa post Ewropew u lura b'inqas minn €100.

Jumejn oħra...

...u d-dinja dduq l-inteliġenza tal-iPhone 3G bi prezz relattivament baxx. Għalissa ma kontx beħsiebni ngħodos fl-ibħra tal-madwar għax ħuħ il-kbir (l-iPhone) jaqdini sew u kull meta jkolli bżonn. Fortunatament, l-ispetturi tal-Apple ħasbu biex jipprovdu software bil-lest għal min diġà għandu l-ewwel wieħed. Tgħidli qalbi t-talb ta' Jacques ma wasalx u subgħajna se jkollna nużawh aktar milli wieħed seta' qatt jimmaġina *themiża*.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

When Hollywood recruited ugly people

This post's title seems like an oxymoron nowadays due to six packs and anorexics taking over the silver screen. Back in time however there were several actors who were ugly like hell but who made a very important contribution to modern day cinema and who left a considerable imprint on the films they acted in.

Ugly actors I like:

Ron Perlman (the Beauty and the Beast, In the Name of the Rose);





Marty Feldman (Young Frankenstein);





Plinio Fernando (in almost all of Paolo Villagio's films);





Alvaro Vitali (Mighty Pierino!)





Vincent Schiavelli (Amadeus, Blade Runner, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest);





Keith David (Requiem For a Dream, Pitch Black, Armageddon);





Woody Harrelson (Natural Born Killers);